If you’re not a fan of Halloween, get out. Just kidding! If you’re not a Halloween person, happy beautiful fall day to you.
I’ve always loved Halloween, probably because I love anything to do with dressing up, and all of the chocolatey/marshmellow-ey/pumpkin-centric sweets. I’m also a ~creative~ and a crazy person (that’s redundant) and Halloween has always been our Christmas, I’m pretty sure.
Anyway, I’m home on the couch tonight – glasses on, makeup off, cup of tea in hand. Why, you ask? It’s a funny story. I have no money, a slightly destroyed ankle, and a mild concussion. The two injuries are the result of extreme clumsiness, and the lack of money from blatant irresponsibility.
That’s what it feels like, anyway.
It is really too easy to beat myself up and call myself irresponsible because I haven’t taken on any work in a while. No one has ever accused me of being irresponsible besides me, but I do it a lot, so no one else really needs to. I do it whenever I make a mistake, big or small. I do it when I don’t achieve the goals I’ve set for myself in the time frame I’ve decided upon. I do it when I feel like I could do so much more for the people I love if only I had a stronger financial situation.
That last one, though. I can’t wait to really take charge of that last one.
The thing is, I have the luxury of trusting my gut right now. I have support, and I have my 400 part-time gigs to lean on. I am extremely lucky because I can look at a job post I’m qualified for and say “this is not the job for me.” I’m finally prioritizing my health, and I’m working on feeling strong rather than irresponsible for my current approach – trying to sort through all of the available work out there and find something that will allow me to have a life that meets my standards. I own the fact that my goals have never involved climbing a corporate ladder (not that there’s any shame in that game), but you could say that I’ve lacked direction in the past, which is not the best.
I’m trying to get to this point I want to make but I’m struggling. Let’s just go for it.
I think that we all know what we really want. Myself included. There’s just some amount of shame or fear or both holding us back from owning it.
I want this blog to reach people who might appreciate it. I want to finish my other creative writing projects and get them out into the world. I want to keep the other artistic parts of my life in my life, and I know that means I’ll never really be able to commit to a “normal” job.
My rent will get paid, surely enough. I’ve always figured these things out. The headaches will stop, my ankle will (somewhat) heal, and I’ll find a routine that keeps me going. This in-between time gets my anxiety going, but I know that this time is precious and critical. I’m a hardcore list-maker, and you better believe I’ll be on my A-game tomorrow morning coming up with lists on lists on lists of goals, next steps, all that good stuff.
In the meantime, tonight I am the woman who dressed up like Ariana Grande in the music video for “God is a Woman” to go nowhere, because I painted the damn costume myself and you don’t get a second chance at Halloween.
(Ariana Grande, by the way, is an anxiety champ. She included not just one, but multiple songs about anxiety on “Sweetener,” and I am here for it.)
I’m losing steam, but I’m committed to posting this tonight, so this is it. I won’t scour this post to make sure the grammar is anything besides decent, or check to make sure my train of thought flows nicely. This is where I am, and my headache is telling me to wrap it up.
I hope your day was lovely, and I hope you choose happiness.