I don’t like writing under pressure. The “pressure” right now is only coming from me, because it’s been ten days since I last posted and I’m afraid that I’m just going to keep getting busier with work as Christmas storms closer. Still, self-induced pressure counts, and the result is that I’ve been sitting here staring at a blank computer screen for a decent amount of time.
I guess I could just dive right in: I had my rheumatologist appointment last week. It was drastically better than the appointment I had last year, and I’m truly loving this doctor already. It was instantly apparent that she really sees things, and that she’s interested in potential connections that other doctors have written off as unrelated. Right off the bat, she took my 500,000 pages of medical records that I brought in a beat-up plastic bag from Burlington Coat Factory and made copies of everything. She went through my past lab results and scans, and pointed out an abnormal reading regarding my kidney from images done on my spine that no one had thought to mention before. She’s pushing me to go back to a urologist for that. Also, I have mild scoliosis. This makes so much sense, I’m pretty sure that I responded with “ohhh. yep. okay.” I was told by a chiropractor back in January that one of my legs is shorter than the other, and a masseuse told me that same month that the back of my ribcage (on my left side) protrudes further out from my back than the right side. I’m just out here confusing people left and right with my funky skeleton.
After she had finished absorbing the last five years of my life, my new rheumatologist ordered a massive panel of blood work. I know some autoimmune disease-related tests were in there, although I’m not sure what specifically or what else. I’m waiting to hear back about all that hootenanny sometime this week, I say with great optimism. In the meantime, life goes on. I’m making a goal of getting back into the gym on a regular basis, even though it’s going to involve a lot of night workouts. This is the fun of having a gym AND workplace over an hour away from where you live – if you want to exercise before work, your choices are to either bring all of your makeup/shower stuff in your work bag which is 1) heavy and 2) requires planning, gross…or skip all of that and look like a sweaty, ragged animal all day at work.
It’s a little bit funny…any time I’m waiting on test results like this, I’m bracing myself for two different versions of the worst. There’s the dramatic version where they find something, and it’s a serious something and my life is never the same. Then there’s the version where everything comes back normal, and I still don’t know how to move forward with this mission to fix myself. The opposing, more positive outlook is that either I’ll be lucky to not have any serious problems, or I’ll be lucky to have finally caught the issue so that I can start treating it. Maybe this makes absolutely no sense, but I prefer to think about outcomes that make me angry now, because then it’s out of my system. I desperately want to avoid getting emotional in front of doctors for the hundredth time. However, I can only really plan out my next steps if the results are all negative and it’s decided by the rheumatologist that this will have to be someone else’s mystery. This is because I have no idea what the other possible outcomes are. My kidney is to blame for everything and I need to have another surgery? This nonchalant scoliosis situation is actually my big problem and I have to go to physical therapy? Everything really was in my head this entire time? I can only speculate so many ideas.
You know what? I am happy, I am lucky, and I am doing okay. That’s the mantra.