hit “play”

This is the longest I’ve ever put my life on hold, and all to find out that I do not have Nutcracker syndrome.

It’s not entirely accurate to say I put my life on hold, I suppose. Some wonderful things have happened over the last few months. It might a better analogy to say that this is longest I’ve held down the pause button on my own timeline, even though I’ve been able to participate in other people’s timelines as they move forward.

It has been one week since my venogram revealed my left renal vein’s truth – he’s just not that constricted. He’s a normal amount of constricted. He’s basically chillin’. The good news is that even if it appeared that I did have Nutcracker syndrome, it is unlikely that I would’ve been able to undergo corrective surgery because I have so much scar tissue in that location from my last procedure. The not-so-great news is that this line of inquiry is now closed, and I am back to a blank whiteboard.

Honestly, I don’t want to think about any of this anymore.

Truth be told, I would like to just stop. I want to stop with the bus trips and the copays and the blood work and the imaging. I want to stop living appointment to appointment. I want to prioritize financial stability, a healthy routine, and contributing equally to my relationship. I want to do all of this without the same old cloud hanging over me – the fact that I’m waiting for someone to tell me how to take care of myself, how to stop making my body so angry at me. My body has been this perpetually crying baby that can’t communicate what it wants me to do, regardless of how simple that need might be. Is it sleep related? Food related? Positional? An environmental trigger? I don’t understand!

When I don’t understand things, I lay on the floor. There’s a lot of healing power in laying on the floor. I spent Tuesday morning on the living room floor with what started as a sort of meditation, which triggered the urge to write out everything that was going through my mind.

I took pictures because I was so content in my lil’ sun spot and LOOK WHAT HAPPENED! I caught a lens rainbow! Right over the bit of writing I had just busted out. (And my coffee, obviously.)

Aside from the rainbow, I’m not going to pretend anything magical happened. Writing didn’t fix everything. I gave in to frustration crying later that same day. I’m still tensing up every time someone asks the tiniest question to do with my plans. I keep falling off the anxiety ledge and either pulling myself or being pulled back up – but I haven’t made it very far away from the edge yet. Doing a little something for myself on Tuesday, though, led to me doing a little bit more on Wednesday, and now today I’m starting to feel even a bit more settled and motivated. “Focus on days,” says Austin Kleon in one of my favorites, Show Your Work! …and that’s what I’ll do. A single healthy, productive choice per day over whatever may be its alternative is progress.

Pre-venogram, 3/20.

This is a woman who thought she was going to get knocked out and wake up with answers and next steps. I was also definitely thinking about the coffee I would get when this was over. I didn’t get answers, but I got the coffee. I did some shopping with my dad. I ate Sonic for the first time (never again). Then I went home, let Sean calm me down a bit, and went to sleep.

You can’t rush anything.

You can’t. rush. anything.

So for now, let’s move on with heads held high, shall we?

2 Replies to “hit “play””

  1. It’s a catch-22 isn’t it, not wanting a horrible finding from test results but also wanting something there to give us some answers and a way forward. For what It’s worth, I’m glad you don’t have Nutcracker syndrome and that the pause button can be lifted in this respect. Lying on the floor, giving your brain a little peace and then writing what’s going around your brain sounds like a good way to deal with some of the mixed up ‘blah’ that’s going on. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through all of these appointments and still have no clear view of what’s going on with your body. But there will always be new avenues to explore. It’s not over yet, though perhaps you could do with a breather and some distractions while you recoup after this latest hospital trip. Sending hugs xxxx
    PS. What’s Sonic (where you said you ate Sonic for the first time)? I don’t have a clue!
    Caz 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh goodness. 3 weeks isn’t too bad of a delay for a response, is it? What is being organized?

      Thank you for your kind words – I’m definitely due for (and currently enjoying) the breather! And Sonic is a fast food chain (burgers, fries, milkshakes) that I believe used to only exist in the southern states but is now in New York, as well. To be fair, I have a strong feeling that I ended up in a particularly…interesting Sonic. I love Taco Bell but I’ve definitely been to a few lackluster locations in my life, so I’d give Sonic another go.

      …I think you might’ve just inspired a fast-food related post in the future. Thanks, Caz 🙂 Hope your weekend is free of pain and mixed up ‘blah’!


      Liked by 1 person

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