there’s a joke to be made about standing up for standing…

I know that nobody knew this already, but time really flies when you have a steady job. Wild.

As a general update, I’m still very happy with my new position and have now been there long enough to dismiss my main (and pretty much my only) concern about rejoining the “nine-to-five” crowd.

My somewhat silly fear regarding getting back into the office grind was the correlation that seemed to exist between my increased pain and frequency of illness, and the last time I was working at a desk for 8-9 hours a day.

I don’t have any concrete, scientific reason to believe there’s a connection between the two, but the whole four months that I worked 7:00 – 4:00 in a moderately stressful environment and was spending quite a bit of time (see: 3.5 hours) commuting a day, I felt like I was barely keeping my health together. I mean, there was the stroke code day, at least one other ER visit, and a bunch of chaos in between just within those four months.

Maybe it wasn’t the “style” of work and the environment, but the stress of it all. It’s also really hard to get up before 5am, which I did regularly. On top of that, I was not the happiest in my personal life at the time, which surely added to the garbage pile of conditions that contributed to my feeling run down all the freaking time.

The odd part, and the part that made me feel like it was the desk work that was messing with me, is the fact that I’ve never experienced symptoms while waiting tables that were anywhere near as intense and frequent as they were during those four months. Working as a waitress is physically demanding and definitely stressful, but wasn’t really problematic for my health. What gives?

All of that aside, I have to give credit to the way my current company emphasizes wellness. I probably switch from working sitting down to standing about five times a day and I relocate from room to room, as well. At certain points in the day, I find I’m much more focused at a proper desk, but at other times I find the light music and atmosphere of our cafe-style kitchen area to be extremely relaxing while I work through my to-do list. Not being confined to one desk & chair for hours on end definitely contributes to my staying sane at work and, call me crazy, I think helps my blood circulate…? Naturally, I still don’t know what’s so odd about my circulation (other than the very comforting information I was given by my doctor that my heart “doesn’t take as much blood back as it should”) but I know it’s funky, and I know switching up the position I’m in helps prevent fatigue, lightheadedness, and that fun feeling of weakness in my limbs.

Anyway, that was a long road to get to this other super cool perk: pretty much anyone can work from home whenever they need to.

My first cynical thought was that people must abuse this privilege, but from what I’ve observed, I really don’t think anyone does. It’s a great option for those who aren’t feeling well but know they can still get work done from their laptop. It’s been one month and I haven’t even had so much as a cold, which I expected would happen immediately after getting back into an office environment. Shout-out to discouraging people from coming to work sick!

Knowing that I have this option is also a HUGE relief when it comes that one day a month that I’m barely comfortable leaving the house for fear of…well, disaster. I haven’t figured out how to bring this up to whoever I’ll have to speak to about working from home that day, but I figure I’ll just talk to one of the many females in the office about how to go about the whole thing. The thought of not having to spend that whole day paranoid, getting up from my seat once or twice an hour…oh my gosh. It’s like Christmas morning, y’know?

Annnd with that in mind, remember when I brought up Nadya Okamoto, the found of PERIOD: “a nonprofit that gives women access to the period products they need to feel confident and clean every menstruation cycle, no matter their income” (from the PERIOD website’s “About” page)? Well, I finally found a very cool way to get involved, which I want to share.

On October 19th, there will be rallies in all 50 states for National Period Day. The fact that I feel this immense relief and gratitude over being able to stay home when I have my difficult days makes me feel even more frustrated for those who don’t have that luxury, or even the ability to afford the most basic period products just to get themselves through the day.

This link will lead you to information about the rally. If you want to go to the one in NYC, let me know! If you’ve never rallied before – don’t even worry about it, neither have I. I don’t know what’s going to go on my sign, but I have a week to figure it out. It’ll almost definitely involve a meme.

If none of this is for you and you’re wondering “is this the whole post?” …yes, yes it is. But for all of my people who:

  • have had their pain dismissed by doctors for being “just period pain”
  • have gone out for the day just to rush right back home and stay there until it’s over
  • have experienced doctor’s office frustration tears
  • have lied to their employer for fear of grossing them out with the truth
  • have been made to feel “gross”
  • have ruined clothes
  • have had to buy emergency replacement clothes
  • just want to stop having to put so much thought and energy into both taking care of yourself and also feeling like you have to hide all of it

…the more people who show up to events like this, the more likely the issue is to be taken as seriously as it needs to be, someday. Someday soon, hopefully.

I haven’t made breakfast yet and I’m already thinking about lunch

Remember in that last post (3 weeks ago, my bad) when I wrote this:

“Here’s the thing: Unless I find a fantastic contract/short-term job that pays well and offers a nice chunk of consistent work for a while, I’m looking for a job that I can stick with.” ?

I DID THAT. I GOT A FANTASTIC CONTRACT JOB THAT PAYS WELL AND OFFERS A NICE CHUNK OF CONSISTENT WORK FOR A WHILE.

It’s so good. I wish I was comfortable writing about it in more detail, but I think it’s good internet practice to not be super open about where you work. Especially if you write rather candidly about your personal/health issues. However, it’s a fantastic company, a great team, and they have been so patient with me as they gradually realize that I have no prior experience doing the thing I do now. Luckily for them, I love learning, and when I commit – I commit. I’ve been doing little else for the past two weeks besides going to work early, coming home late and making sure I take care of my brain and body in the meantime so that I can be on my game at the office.

…actually, I will give you one detail. I don’t know how many of you read this from NYC, or if this exists outside of the city, but my office is part of a group catering program called “Stadium.” The way it works (and it differs depending on where you work) is that everyone can get a lunch order of $15 or less delivered from any participating local restaurant three days a week at no cost. This really means a lot to me. I love eating. I’m also weird about spending money on food, and was prepared to come every day with my lazy girl packed lunches to avoid going out and spending $10-15 on a daily basis. Now I get three free, healthy, big meals a week. This is how you get happy and grateful employees, people.

It’s such a relief to feel a bit more stable, finally. I’m still sorting out my routine as I go into Week 3, but for now I feel like I’m doing enough. I don’t want to push it by trying to add trips to the gym or anything else into the mix. Being that the job is contract and that I’m so happy there thus far, I’ve put a lot of pressure on myself to perform very well. Admittedly, it’s a big routine adjustment. Thankfully, my health has been pretty fantastic lately – but the minute I start slacking on my 8 hours of sleep, I feel it all over. Last week I thought I could handle going to a fairly low-key concert on a Monday night, but when I checked the time and saw that it was 10pm, my anxiety kicked in hard. I insisted on leaving at that exact moment despite there only being maybe 10 minutes left of the show, and made myself look a bit intense in front of some people I had just met. Again. Whoops.

It’s hard to live here and say “no” to things just because you need to, and not because you have other plans. Although, I guess I did have other plans that night…preparing for the next day and getting a good night’s sleep. Also, avoiding an anxiety attack is sort of an ongoing plan of mine. But who’s going to say any of that? There is always, always something going on on New York City and I think that there are a lot of people who work long, weekday hours that feel the pressure to cram their whole life in between Friday night and Monday morning, and even in the post-work hours during the week. I’m that way too, to an extent…but honestly, my concern with saying yes to things usually comes from caring about what people think of me rather than feeling left out if I don’t go. I mean, is anyone really cool with being the friend/coworker, or even girlfriend who “never goes out?” Again, unless you’re some kind of weirdo enlightened person who really doesn’t care what people think. Imagine the potential for an embarrassing situation, though, just based on my body’s unpredictability. Picture it: I go out for a social night with my coworkers one evening after work, not knowing that my kidney is up to his old tricks. I have one sip of beer, projectile vomit, and fall asleep.

…it’s not out of the realm of possibility. (If this reference makes no sense, please refer to “big ankle keeps on turning” from last December.)

Anyhow, I’ll figure that out as time goes on. The mission right now is to keep writing. My windows of time are between 8-8:30am when I hang out in the park by my office (because I am the master of being too early always) and between around 7:00-10pm. It might sound unlikely that I’d actually write in the park, but I’ve been doing it! I have 4,000 waitress notepads lying around anyway, so now I carry one in my work bag. It’s harder to get into a writing mindset with this new job solely because I’m not used to work that’s mentally exhausting rather than physically, but eventually as I keep growing into this position, I’ll be able to do my job with less strain on the brain.

Needless to say…I’m glad I held out. I was really so close to settling – I had even gone through orientation at that retail job the day before I found out my current company wanted to hire me. My gut remains good to me, and there was no doubt in my mind when I said yes to this job that I was doing the right thing.

To conclude this self-congratulatory post that really doesn’t contain anything important whatsoever, I’d like to show off these pictures from Sean and my last trip of the summer to Philly/Atlantic City a few weeks ago. I feel like I’m really stepping up my blogger photography game. I mean, I didn’t even take the good pictures, that credit goes to strangers on the streets. But still. Progress.

if I get one more recruiter email for a vague marketing position I swe-

Hello! It’s Wednesday, so according to my boss (who is me) I must share something today.

How about a recap?! This past week, I:

…went jet skiing for the first time (as a passenger, anyway). Séan loves being on the water and I believe this is his favorite way to be on the water. Mine is kayaking. Or a pool float. But it was pretty cool to see the Statue of Liberty from an unfamiliar angle and to fly past the piers & under the Brooklyn Bridge. Plus it was my own Hitch moment, minus getting kicked in the face. And Will Smith.

…tested out the newly-tidied back patio with a couple of friends. We startled the most precious tiny skunk family by intruding on what is rightfully their space late into the night. I also didn’t realize the wifi wasn’t reaching out back and used all my phone data playing a lively “BBQ playlist” whilst outside. Good.

…sampled beautiful Chinese food at brand new restaurant that I don’t believe has opened officially, yet. Also, took a gamble on a Mexican restaurant in Hoboken and a bar/bistro in Jersey City, both of which were new to the two of us. Everything was delicious, and I’m not even hungry right now so you can trust my judgement. (I don’t love going out to eat while unemployed but I only fight Séan on the subject when it’s getting to be a lot. I’m trying to stop being the brat who takes enjoyment away from him. I’m a very cheap date, anyway, and obviously great company so come on.)

…found a coffee place nearby that brings out my productivity!! This is huge for me. I moved here in April and it took me this long to start exploring…but hey, it’s happening. Not to “not appreciate the now” and all that, but I’m looking forward to the weather cooling down even more now that I’ve discovered this cafe. It’s a long enough walk away, but it will be such a beautiful walk in the fall and coffee will be even more enticing when it’s not 9000 degrees out plus humidity.

…had a nice 14.5 hour workday on the set of a project I know very well, and got to watch my favorite actors play my favorite characters. I don’t usually act in anything I watch, or vice versa, but this was the most perfect exception.

…applied to so many jobs! I’m finally zeroing in on jobs I truly want to do, which I’ve found requires looking outside my usual sources. Which makes sense – those websites haven’t served me well thus far (except Craigslist, I ❤ Craigslist) so I was due for a change in approach. I’m now on just about every job-search platform in existence, and have learned a very valuable lesson: TURN OFF THE THING THAT LETS RECRUITERS REACH OUT TO YOU.

…posted some of my writing (the stylized, poetry-type variety) on Instagram for everyone to see. That’s a scary new thing I’m doing. I stand by my man Austin Kleon though, and his insistence on sharing your work throughout the process. It won’t serve me well to wait until I’ve been confidently writing and editing for years and then start sharing. You just gotta do. And be imperfect. And get there eventually.

My body has been a little funky and achey, but nothing I can’t manage. Séan and I did a lot of walking around on the Fourth of July, which was a very hot and sunny day here. I’m usually good with long walks, but I’ve learned that the hotter it is, the less my body can cope. Not that anyone feels good after a lengthy walk in oppressive heat, but my bod is pretty dramatic about it. My left side gets all worked up, my face gets super flushed, and the headache comes on strong. (I always wonder if my light sensitivity is a leftover concussion factor. Remind me to look into that.)

I forced us to head home before restarting the day and took a nap so deep I may have been dead. I knew I needed it, and I was able to bounce back because of it. I’m in the endless process of trying to pace myself a bit more and not be the “hell yeah let’s do it” girl I want to be, at least not all the time. I have to parent myself a bit more, but I’m getting there. I have a tendency to carry the “lost” moments (or the things I said no to) with me, but looking at that list of things I did do last week, I can take a deep breath and smile.

I’ve been reading a lot of good things lately but I also keep discovering more and more artists to fall in love with: would y’all prefer a list of independent artists who make weird/awesome things and could use some support, or a what-I’m-reading-lately type post next time? I realize no one will answer this question, like when beauty bloggers say “hiiiiii guys, SO MANY of you have been asking for me to do a (blank) video-” and literally no one asked. But just in case anyone has an opinion, please bless me with it. Thank you.

Don’t forget your sunscreen and chins up, you’ve got half the week left. Do something good with it.