if I get one more recruiter email for a vague marketing position I swe-

Hello! It’s Wednesday, so according to my boss (who is me) I must share something today.

How about a recap?! This past week, I:

…went jet skiing for the first time (as a passenger, anyway). Séan loves being on the water and I believe this is his favorite way to be on the water. Mine is kayaking. Or a pool float. But it was pretty cool to see the Statue of Liberty from an unfamiliar angle and to fly past the piers & under the Brooklyn Bridge. Plus it was my own Hitch moment, minus getting kicked in the face. And Will Smith.

…tested out the newly-tidied back patio with a couple of friends. We startled the most precious tiny skunk family by intruding on what is rightfully their space late into the night. I also didn’t realize the wifi wasn’t reaching out back and used all my phone data playing a lively “BBQ playlist” whilst outside. Good.

…sampled beautiful Chinese food at brand new restaurant that I don’t believe has opened officially, yet. Also, took a gamble on a Mexican restaurant in Hoboken and a bar/bistro in Jersey City, both of which were new to the two of us. Everything was delicious, and I’m not even hungry right now so you can trust my judgement. (I don’t love going out to eat while unemployed but I only fight Séan on the subject when it’s getting to be a lot. I’m trying to stop being the brat who takes enjoyment away from him. I’m a very cheap date, anyway, and obviously great company so come on.)

…found a coffee place nearby that brings out my productivity!! This is huge for me. I moved here in April and it took me this long to start exploring…but hey, it’s happening. Not to “not appreciate the now” and all that, but I’m looking forward to the weather cooling down even more now that I’ve discovered this cafe. It’s a long enough walk away, but it will be such a beautiful walk in the fall and coffee will be even more enticing when it’s not 9000 degrees out plus humidity.

…had a nice 14.5 hour workday on the set of a project I know very well, and got to watch my favorite actors play my favorite characters. I don’t usually act in anything I watch, or vice versa, but this was the most perfect exception.

…applied to so many jobs! I’m finally zeroing in on jobs I truly want to do, which I’ve found requires looking outside my usual sources. Which makes sense – those websites haven’t served me well thus far (except Craigslist, I ❤ Craigslist) so I was due for a change in approach. I’m now on just about every job-search platform in existence, and have learned a very valuable lesson: TURN OFF THE THING THAT LETS RECRUITERS REACH OUT TO YOU.

…posted some of my writing (the stylized, poetry-type variety) on Instagram for everyone to see. That’s a scary new thing I’m doing. I stand by my man Austin Kleon though, and his insistence on sharing your work throughout the process. It won’t serve me well to wait until I’ve been confidently writing and editing for years and then start sharing. You just gotta do. And be imperfect. And get there eventually.

My body has been a little funky and achey, but nothing I can’t manage. Séan and I did a lot of walking around on the Fourth of July, which was a very hot and sunny day here. I’m usually good with long walks, but I’ve learned that the hotter it is, the less my body can cope. Not that anyone feels good after a lengthy walk in oppressive heat, but my bod is pretty dramatic about it. My left side gets all worked up, my face gets super flushed, and the headache comes on strong. (I always wonder if my light sensitivity is a leftover concussion factor. Remind me to look into that.)

I forced us to head home before restarting the day and took a nap so deep I may have been dead. I knew I needed it, and I was able to bounce back because of it. I’m in the endless process of trying to pace myself a bit more and not be the “hell yeah let’s do it” girl I want to be, at least not all the time. I have to parent myself a bit more, but I’m getting there. I have a tendency to carry the “lost” moments (or the things I said no to) with me, but looking at that list of things I did do last week, I can take a deep breath and smile.

I’ve been reading a lot of good things lately but I also keep discovering more and more artists to fall in love with: would y’all prefer a list of independent artists who make weird/awesome things and could use some support, or a what-I’m-reading-lately type post next time? I realize no one will answer this question, like when beauty bloggers say “hiiiiii guys, SO MANY of you have been asking for me to do a (blank) video-” and literally no one asked. But just in case anyone has an opinion, please bless me with it. Thank you.

Don’t forget your sunscreen and chins up, you’ve got half the week left. Do something good with it.

guess what? complaining! THAT’S what.

I keep trying to summon this lovely positive feeling about July to start this month off on the right foot, but I’m trying to dig that out from underneath the bevy of things that have me on edge lately and that’s just not working.

I know we all love it when people complain on the internet, especially over trivial things, but here’s the fact of the matter…I can’t sit with all this nonsense in my head and get anywhere at all.

Not that this is new or rare, but I’m even struggling to write coherently at the moment because there’s too much “AHHH” in my mind. Do you know what I’m talking about? When there’s this buzz you can’t turn off? You can’t sort out your thoughts because you’ve got a blender in your skull, whirling everything around into a load of mush.

Side note: I had a cool metaphor about pieces of glass in a smoothie but then it didn’t make any sense and I have a headache and anyway let’s carry on.

Also I keep adding caffeine to the mix which is definitely not helping.

So here’s a list!

things that are currently making my head buzz that will NOT be making my head buzz by the end of this glorious July:

  • for too long, every single decision that I make on a daily basis has been entirely based on money and nothing else. whether or not I go work in a coffee shop, or take the bus downtown to walk around the park, or use the last of some item in the fridge…this is at the forefront of my worrying mind. I don’t even feel that great about booking work because I see those paychecks as nothing more than what bill they’ll need to go towards (in which those checks will barely make a dent). i’m looking at everything as steps towards balance that just aren’t big enough and it’s sucking the enjoyment out of everything. BLAH.
  • it’s so f r e a k i n g hot out and I’m not even living in a part of the world that’s really feeling the results of global warming. i’m worried we’re going to elect a president who doesn’t treat this as the urgent issue it is. this is actually a really valid concern, I realize that. but it’s part of the buzzing so there you have it.
  • do I have to see an allergist again?? why am I having food allergy-level reactions to vegetables and wheat beer and bug bites? my mosquito bite looks like I was pegged in the stomach with a tennis ball. (I know what that looks like because one time I was pegged in the stomach with a tennis ball.)
  • not to be needy (I am though), but i’m really wondering when Sean and I will ever been on the same life schedule. it’s only ever been this way, with him working nights and me being an “early to bed, early to rise” type of gal, but I’m less patient about it lately. maybe because it’s summer and I want to take advantage of all kinds of activities…or maybe because I know I’ll have to sell my soul to a steady job soon and won’t be able to do things on a whim anymore. or maybe both!
  • I am actually very willing to give up my current flexibility for a job that provides stability BUT I can’t seem to get my foot in the door anywhere. the online application process is not great. it’s a lot of hoping, wishing, waiting, and not really being able to put yourself out there in the same way you can when you physically go to an office and introduce yourself. (it’s not easy to get a good job?! a revelation!)
  • i’m very tired thanks to stress (and who I am as a person)
  • my upstairs neighbor sings while playing guitar now. at all hours.
  • there’s a literal buzz coming from every fan in this house which is surely not helping my head, but we need all the fans because #globalwarming

*sigh* …Okay. Thank you.

I think the thing with complaining is that we don’t always need our friends to respond with suggestions, solutions, and especially not reminders of how much worse it could be (it could always be worse). Those of us who are very aware that things could be much worse might tend towards trying to swallow the little things that are ticking them off rather than complain. I mean, I feel guilty all the time over allowing something that isn’t life-altering to upset me.

But we are allowed to be frustrated! And we are allowed to express that frustration (in a non-destructive manner, of course). Swallowing those thoughts and feelings has never helped me. I’ve learned that I have to release the feelings out into the open in order to let them go. And it helps to have friends who don’t say “hey, at least you aren’t (insert a person in a more destitute situation)” because all that does is bring back the guilt for feeling anything aside from happy and satisfied. Unless you have friends who are so detached from reality that their chief complaints are along the lines of “the new Instagram algorithm is actually ruining my life” and the like. You should hand those friends a newspaper.

I’m posting this knowing full well that I’m doing as much as I can to work towards financial stability and finding steady work, and I’m grateful for so much that is already going beautifully in my life. But I also know that as soon as I hit “post” – I’m done. It will be done. The buzz will be gone. Except for the ceiling fans.

If you’re feeling a little riled up lately, I encourage you to do the same. Don’t keep the lid on it. Let it all out, then laugh at yourself if need be, and move along. Heck, comment some of your complaints on this post, and you’ll get a resounding “here, here!” or “AMEN” from me. This isn’t a complain-free zone, or a positivity-only zone. This is an imperfect human zone. Let it all goooo.

🙂 x

vain? or just veiny?

Did ANYONE catch Miss USA last night? I’ll assume most people didn’t. I’m not living under the delusion that many people are into pageants. Just roll with me for a minute.

I didn’t have much of an opinion about pageantry at all before making a spur of the moment decision to enter one – and then getting in – about two years ago. It was a serious pageant, too – the most competitive of the state pageants leading to Miss USA. Now that I’ve seen the pageant world from the inside, I can’t help but get excited for events such as Miss USA. You feel so much more than simply “beautiful” standing onstage with dozens of other women radiating crazy amounts of confidence. I felt like my strongest, most unstoppable self. I knew deep down that I wouldn’t be crowned at my first ever pageant, and that was okay. I still felt deserving. We all did. You may not believe this, but you really are a unit up there, rooting for everyone around you and basking in each other’s light.

Anyway, that was sappy, but I needed to share in order to justify why I was fully screaming at the TV last night. If you think that pageantry and feminism can’t coincide together, I encourage you to look up our new Miss USA’s answer to her onstage question (not the one about millennials, the other one). Not only am I ecstatic that Miss USA is an incredibly articulate, intelligent woman, but we also have…for the first time ever…a Black Miss USA, Miss Teen USA and Miss America. I mean, that took us long enough. Amazing stuff.

Health and beauty really do play off of each other more than I used to believe. There’s the obvious notion that if you eat well and move your body, you’re going to look and feel better than if you don’t.

There’s more to it than that.

Caring about your appearance and giving some love to the external bits of your body really can change what’s going on within you. When I’m anxious or depressed, or even on the verge of being there, one look in the mirror can trigger a spiral. I see blotchy skin, stained teeth, and even my lack of enamel becomes a weapon my brain uses against me. It is truly nuts. I see spider veins on my left leg and suddenly – oh my God, I’m old? Time is running out? I’m this ugly? How does Sean even look at me? I’ll never get a job on-camera again, let me just go work in the mines, I’m done with everything.

The extra fun part is that my stressing out over these things 100% makes them worse. My typically cooperative skin senses my panic and decides to bless me with acne. I bite off my fingernails. I scratch at my skin, leaving bruises and dry patches.

Just as I’ve mentioned my anxiety toolkit, I have a secondary but equally important toolkit to keep this version of myself at bay…and it’s in my medicine cabinet.

Why do I even own nail polish is the real question…

There are tools in here which I use daily that leave me with a curious sense of mental peace. I’m honestly not sure if it’s the products working, or the fact that I’m not stressing out thinking that I should’ve done one thing or the other to prevent a breakout or that line on my face.

What I’m getting at: when I follow a simple health & beauty routine catered to my particular issues, I eliminate triggers that could otherwise lead to more anxiety-driven self-deprecation.

I’m posting pictures of my favorite things below, all of which were extremely inexpensive and have helped me chill the heck out.

The rose water toner is a new thing I’m trying and I’m not convinced I’m using correctly in sequence with my other goos, but it feels great after running around in the city or being on the subway, standing around a hot set, any of that. The “enrich” lotion (also from Trader Joe’s) is so light but thorough. I’ve been using it for years. Other moisturizers I’ve tried have left my skin a little bumpy or sometimes rubbery, but this one is class. I switch to the Clean&Clear moisturizer if I’m breaking out, and it usually stops things from getting any worse.

When I’m really tired, or experiencing a spree of sick days, or if y’know, it’s winter and I look decrepit, I love using self tanner to make myself look (and feel) a little more alive and well. St. Tropez typically goes for a bit more than I’d like to spend, but I can get these little tubes at Marshall’s or TJ Maxx for under $10. I don’t have to use it often and it doesn’t turn me orange – just adds a light glow as if I actually got some sun. I also buy my retinol oil at Marshall’s/TJ Maxx because it’s so freaking affordable and they have a billion brands available at any given point in time. Now the Nair, I love and hate. This particular variety is for the face, and it does work, but you have to play around with how long you need to leave it on before it will actually remove any hair. I believe it says 8 minutes max on the tube, but that has never worked for me. 9-10 (closer to 10) minutes usually does the job for me, but I have also burned my skin on one occasion when I decided I didn’t need to use my phone timer and I just barely surpassed the 10 minute mark. Don’t do that.

Last but not least…yoga! I’m becoming a yogi, sort of. I read that poor circulation is one of the causes of spider veins, and yoga can help with poor circulation…ergo…I now practice yoga. I have an app called Keep Yoga which provides me with *free* instructional videos that follow a weekly plan. I just did Tuesday’s video today. It’s fine. We’re all busy people. I don’t think yoga will resolve the cluster of veins that already torments me, but it may help prevent the cluster from spreading…and the thought of having some amount of control does make me a slightly happier lil’ bean.

Did this post seem pointless? Hopefully not. I just want to remind everyone that your external and internal self are connected, & maintenance of each helps the other. 🙂 Ya gorgeous, regardless.

when your pain isn’t travel-sized

Last week, I shared some lovely, Instagram-able pictures from my Florida trip. Now I want to get into a detail of the trip that I didn’t bring up before – the fact that health issues don’t necessarily take a chill pill just because you’ve headed away on what is meant to be a relaxing vacation.

I love traveling, but for the past few years the excitement of an upcoming trip has come paired with nervousness regarding how my body will handle the changes in my day-to-day life. When I went to Scotland in October, I had some very sore days that left me curled up on my hostel’s couch with single-use pain relief hot packs all over my body. I wasn’t upset, though, since I had given myself plenty of time to go exploring on days when I felt well enough. Plus, I was thrilled just to be in Scotland. Freakin’ love Scotland.

The stakes were a bit different with Florida. A lot of the aspects of a typical warm-weather getaway involve exposure to things that make my specific symptoms worse: being out in the sun & heat, spending a lot of time walking around, drinking (the fun drinks), eating outside my normal diet (the fun snacks), and sleeping somewhere I’m not used to. I knew that completely “letting loose” would be a bad idea, but decided to allow myself a bit of indulgence, since my symptoms play by no one’s rules, anyway. I can sleep 9 hours a night and eat salads all week and still end up in pain, so I wasn’t about to turn down a $0.99 margarita. (Note: I would like to update my research to reflect that my body gets along with tequila juuuust fine.)

Looking back, I’d say the most challenging part of this trip ended up being how hard it was to stay hydrated, but also not wanting to take too much fluid at once. Drinking a lot of anything too quickly is rough on my kidney, even if my body needs it. The day Sean and I went to the zoo, we could not drink enough water no matter how hard we tried. Granted, we spent an absurd amount of time at the zoo. It was wonderful. The day that followed the zoo visit and the day we wandered around Del Ray not knowing that the UV index was at 11 were hands down the hardest. All my body wanted was to lay down somewhere cool, but I also wanted to see and do as much as possible, and of course, make sure Sean got to do everything he wanted to do. Thankfully, I’m comfortable enough with him to say “no” to things. I did turn down some of his suggestions for the sake of not being miserable for days to come. While we were in Fort Lauderdale, a huge music festival featuring artists we both really like was going on, and Sean suggested we could go to that. Typically, we are “let’s DO IT!” people. However, the purpose of the trip was R&R and a full day of festival debauchery in the sun would not only be a huge, unplanned expense…but would likely leave us sunburnt, sick and exhausted. I’m grateful that each of us was able to remind the other that we don’t have to do it all and to find satisfaction in downtime somewhere a little more exotic than home.

While my body only misbehaved a little, my attention-seeking anxiety brain found lots of reasons to make an appearance in Florida! It started early – I had painted my nails a bright white before leaving to catch our flight, but I didn’t even make it to the place we were staying before I had peeled/scratched it all off. (This is one of my biggest anxiety tics. Do we call them tics? I can’t really paint my fingernails because the slightest chip or imperfection causes me to destroy all of my hard work.) Anyway, that’s what I get for making myself look trendy for the ‘gram.

As the trip went on and more money was spent on car services, sunscreen (so much sunscreen), snacks and various expenses, the more panic started to grow in my mind. It’s extremely normal to worry about finances, I know this, but anxiety takes everything to the next level – where one small unexpected purchase can push me to question/distrust everything…and then I’m itchy and lose my appetite and all in all it’s just not a fun me to be, or be around.

All flashes of pain and panic aside, the trip was a huge success in my book. Sloths were pet, oceans were splashed in, TONS of hockey and soccer games were watched, and Sean got some sleep. Maybe this is a weird comparison, but I feel a bit like a mom to my bratty toddler of a body. See, if I make sure I have some snacks and water packed when I leave the house, that I build time to rest into the daily schedule, and that I’m paying attention to red flag situations like expensive adventures or places where I’m going to feel pressured to push myself…everything goes pretty smoothly!

…I’m realizing now that not going on my college spring break trip might have saved my life. Y’know, being the type of person who is always trying to keep up with the rest of ’em, especially in those days. Thankfully, I am slowly but surely letting go of my need to please and impress other people. What matters is how proud I am of myself when I do something good for my body or mind, or when I pass on a night out and end up finishing a book or chipping away at a writing project.

Speaking of projects, I’m going to go ahead and spoil what would have been a cool surprise – I’ve decided it’s time to make an Instagram account for saorza! However…someone already has the account name “saorza”. I’ve done about all I can to try to get the username for myself, since the account is very obviously inactive. (If anyone has any friends that work at Instagram…let’s talk.) It doesn’t look super promising.

I’m open to suggestions, pals. Does anyone have an idea for a variation on “saorza” that would make a good Instagram handle? Alternatively, any ideas on how to overthrow Instagram? I mean come on. It’s a made up word. I don’t understand.

I appreciate any thoughts/suggestions and hope everyone has a wonderful weekend doing whatever it is you need to do. And stay hydrated. x

hit “play”

This is the longest I’ve ever put my life on hold, and all to find out that I do not have Nutcracker syndrome.

It’s not entirely accurate to say I put my life on hold, I suppose. Some wonderful things have happened over the last few months. It might a better analogy to say that this is longest I’ve held down the pause button on my own timeline, even though I’ve been able to participate in other people’s timelines as they move forward.

It has been one week since my venogram revealed my left renal vein’s truth – he’s just not that constricted. He’s a normal amount of constricted. He’s basically chillin’. The good news is that even if it appeared that I did have Nutcracker syndrome, it is unlikely that I would’ve been able to undergo corrective surgery because I have so much scar tissue in that location from my last procedure. The not-so-great news is that this line of inquiry is now closed, and I am back to a blank whiteboard.

Honestly, I don’t want to think about any of this anymore.

Truth be told, I would like to just stop. I want to stop with the bus trips and the copays and the blood work and the imaging. I want to stop living appointment to appointment. I want to prioritize financial stability, a healthy routine, and contributing equally to my relationship. I want to do all of this without the same old cloud hanging over me – the fact that I’m waiting for someone to tell me how to take care of myself, how to stop making my body so angry at me. My body has been this perpetually crying baby that can’t communicate what it wants me to do, regardless of how simple that need might be. Is it sleep related? Food related? Positional? An environmental trigger? I don’t understand!

When I don’t understand things, I lay on the floor. There’s a lot of healing power in laying on the floor. I spent Tuesday morning on the living room floor with what started as a sort of meditation, which triggered the urge to write out everything that was going through my mind.

I took pictures because I was so content in my lil’ sun spot and LOOK WHAT HAPPENED! I caught a lens rainbow! Right over the bit of writing I had just busted out. (And my coffee, obviously.)

Aside from the rainbow, I’m not going to pretend anything magical happened. Writing didn’t fix everything. I gave in to frustration crying later that same day. I’m still tensing up every time someone asks the tiniest question to do with my plans. I keep falling off the anxiety ledge and either pulling myself or being pulled back up – but I haven’t made it very far away from the edge yet. Doing a little something for myself on Tuesday, though, led to me doing a little bit more on Wednesday, and now today I’m starting to feel even a bit more settled and motivated. “Focus on days,” says Austin Kleon in one of my favorites, Show Your Work! …and that’s what I’ll do. A single healthy, productive choice per day over whatever may be its alternative is progress.

Pre-venogram, 3/20.

This is a woman who thought she was going to get knocked out and wake up with answers and next steps. I was also definitely thinking about the coffee I would get when this was over. I didn’t get answers, but I got the coffee. I did some shopping with my dad. I ate Sonic for the first time (never again). Then I went home, let Sean calm me down a bit, and went to sleep.

You can’t rush anything.

You can’t. rush. anything.

So for now, let’s move on with heads held high, shall we?

spring meltdown

hellooo!

Two things. That’s all. I’m heading back home tonight in preparation for my venogram tomorrow morning, where I’ll find out what’s going on with this potential Nutcracker syndrome of mine (or not of mine). I feel like I’ve been spinning in place from my last appointment in February until now. Not knowing if I’ll need surgery has made it difficult to move forward, especially when it comes to job searching.

Thankfully, I lucked out big time with some acting work in the past few weeks that not only brought in a little income, but gave me the sense of productivity and of being a real person that I’ve been craving. I’ve also had distractions, the very good kind, in the way of a surprise birthday party and some unexpected time spent with people I highly enjoy. I did have some minor panic moments here and there and, in a sort of “grande finale”, I completely fell into the abyss on Sunday.

Sunday afternoon, I was ready to delete all traces of my life and move into an apartment in some town where I would just work and sleep and have no relationships or life goals. Because that’s not dramatic. Seriously though, I can poke fun now, but in the moment that always seems like what I have to do. I’m lucky that I wasn’t home and didn’t have access to a computer because I wanted to delete this blog…and everything else. I find it interesting that despite being aware that it’s not really me behind the wheel in those moments, I still believe that version of myself’s truths to be real. By Sunday night, however, my normal brain and my funky brain had reached somewhat of a compromise and decided on something that would actually help:

…s i m p l i f y.

I didn’t delete everything, but I deleted some things.

I’m not anti-social media because it has the potential to be used for good, but I do know that it can affect people very differently. At my most healthy, mentally, certain apps are nothing more than a huge distraction. When I’m in a different mental place, browsing through social media can be like throwing gas on the fire. I love to record moments of my life, and sometimes it feels like “what’s the point of recording these memories if I don’t share them?” I think we’ve forgotten how normal it is to share moments with our friends and family and not the whole world. My home growing up was full of photo albums, which were treasures and would never be as special to strangers as they were to my family. This is not at all to say that publicly sharing snapshots of your life is wrong or bad, but I personally fell into that inaccurate mentality of “the more people that see these portraits of your life, the better your life must be.” If I was using other apps for the same purpose that this blog exists, that would be a different story. But I was not. I was mostly:

  1. reliving my past through the posts of people I still follow
  2. feeling inadequate because I can’t afford the adventures or clothing or food that I see people posting about, &
  3. stressing over what/when to post to make people feel a certain way about me.

Anyway, that was a long road to get to the point that I got rid of Instagram and Snapchat. Insta, Snap…it’s not you guys, it’s me. Well, it’s also a little bit what you’ve turned into. But I respect you. I’m just terrified of you and what you do to me. Will I come back? Maybe, when I think I can handle it. I’m just a little too distract-able and impressionable right now, that’s all.

I kept Tumblr, who has never done me wrong.

I brought this up in my last post (I think?) when I wrote about having a kit for the bad days. I’m a very visual person, and for seven years I’ve had a Tumblr account where I’ve collected things that catch my eye and attention. It’s never been a competitive thing for me, and that’s been really nice to have. It’s full of pictures of old buildings, artwork, fashion photography, cups of coffee, FOOD, animals doing things, quotes, poems, the occasional PSA, really weird meme videos that no one ever reacts well to…anything that gives my brain a little happy spark, or that I find really important.

So I did a thing. I re-vamped my Tumblr, making it a sidekick to this blog. They were already working together to achieve the same sort of goals, in a way, so it makes sense to share the page with you.

…but of course, when I changed my Tumblr name the url “saorza” was already taken, so if you come across that one, it is NOT ME!

It’s called calm & collection and because I redid the whole thing, there’s not a ton there – yet. I’m not doing anything differently compared to how I managed the page before…it’s still my collection of doodads, gathered together for myself above all else. Give the page a glance, or don’t, but I want to give credit where credit is due: thank you to Tumblr for simply being there, and to everyone who uses it to take care of themselves & others.

One more time, I’m giving the link its own block:

calmandcollection.tumblr.com

And now, I leave you with some pictures from March so far. See you on the other side of the venogram.

hospital aside, A+ day!

me, January 1st: new year, new me #health

me, 2am, January 3rd: wakes up in the emergency room

Just to start out on a positive note, January 2nd was an awesome day. It was a total bro day, if anyone remembers How I Met Your Mother back when it was lighthearted and full of laser-tag. I was taken out for a great breakfast, brought to a go-kart track where I did NOT come in last place, wandered around my favorite library, had a lovely & cozy dinner, and then saw my NHL team win 7-2. All with somewhat enjoyable company, to boot. You’d think I was someone’s beloved elderly pet about to be put down, the way this day was arranged.

The evening took a minor turn when I fell sick and had to be carried (I think? or dragged?) to the hospital. Two hospitals, actually, because apparently the first one was closed.

I don’t remember what happened, which is hard to admit and a little bit scary. I remember leaving the game, but not running into a bar restroom and getting sick, and definitely not anyone climbing into the stall to get me. I don’t know how I got to the hospital…and to me, the strangest part is that I don’t remember any progression, of neither pain nor drunkenness. I also don’t remember any point where I thought I was anything other than completely fine.

Full disclosure: I was drinking during dinner and the hockey game, which paints this whole situation in a different light. When I show up to a hospital hobbling around like a drunk, wounded animal and I’m sober, that’s major cause for concern. When I’m brought to a hospital in that same state and I’ve been drinking, there’s not much interest in investigating what’s going on. And I get it! I get how it must have looked. I’ve had those college experiences, guys. I’ve absolutely drank beyond my limits before. I’ve even thrown up after drinking. However, I have never had any drinking experience that felt like this, or transpired the way that this went down. The closest incident would be my first ever ER visit for this same pain, when I had two beers and then we discovered my misshapen, hydronephrosis-ing kidney. And I was told that I had massive kidney stones but then the doctor took it back.

I’m grateful that I wasn’t alone and that Sean took action by getting me to the hospital, which was clearly no easy feat. Still, I can’t help feeling disappointed in the outcome of the night because I try to be strategic about my hospital visits. I feel like I’ll only make progress on getting some answers if the doctors catch my kidney (or whatever godforsaken organ it is now) behaving badly, but I’ve had those experiences where I’ve gone to an emergency room and they don’t have the right equipment for imaging, or it was so busy there that by the time I was seen, my body had calmed down on its own. I had this dream that if I went back to the emergency room, it would be the last time – they’d finally find it. I truly believe that if they had done an ultrasound on my kidney this past visit, they would’ve seen some interesting and potentially informative things. Anyway. Maybe next time!

The pain was still very present throughout the course of the next two days, although Sean went hardcore nurse mode on me and definitely helped bring me back to life. For whatever reason, as the kidney pain chilled out, I quickly came down with a bad cold in its place. The really nice thing about colds, though, is that I know what they are when they happen AND they go away.

I still believe I might know what’s going on with this sudden spike in painful episodes. I’m away from the city now on operation clean the old house, as well as to get some doctors appointments taken care of. In a shocking twist, I actually pulled myself together enough to go out for my engaged friend’s bachelorette party last night, which I’m so grateful I was able to do while I’m here. I slugged straight seltzer all night but I dance so poorly naturally that I don’t think anyone questioned what was in my champagne glass. I woke up to the ol’ pain around 4am but was able to fall back asleep (thanks to my badass aromatherapy sloth) and the rest of today went pretty smoothly.

Time for my uplifting moral of the story, friends:

There’s a lot of shame in this game.

No matter if it’s alcohol, caffeine, gluten, whatever – there will always be people who think I should just do less of this or more of that, and that I’m still suffering because I’m not disciplined or invested enough to make those changes permanent. Listen, if cutting out any of those things had ever proven to help, I’d be more than happy to make that a permanent lifestyle change. They just…haven’t. If this experience has taught me anything, it’s that I need to stand up for the way that I take care of my own body. As anyone should, y’know? And because everything seems so fragile right now, I’m not going to drink at all until I get some answers. As we know, I’ve had plenty of weird occurrences without any alcohol in my system. This most certainly is not a sure-fire way to keep my pain at bay. It just seems like the intelligent thing to do right now.

Well. Fingers crossed we’ve solved this problem by the playoffs.